Joke thread

[FTP]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One afternoon a wealthy Scotsman was riding in his large limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife

and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high........."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I met a girl in the park the other evening.



There was an instant spark between us

and she immediately dropped to her knees

and laid on the grass at my feet.



As we lay making love, I thought

"These taser guns are well worth the money".

[Comatose]

Cancer causes cell phones.

[FTP]

Can't you please help?



A once in a life time opportunity for football oriented citizens. I just know you'll want to do this. It may even be deductible.

Help The Players:

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are now locked out, living at well below their normal seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they are being deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of this lockout situation.

But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: ________Telephone Number: ________Account Number: _______Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______


[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________



NFL Players Association


_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I hate to leave such a good convo, but I need to get some sleep. The wife has been asleep for about 2 hours so it's about time I go in there and "accidentally" wake her up.

Oh, Hey! That reminds me of a joke.

3 buddies are out to the wee hours of the morning drinking and having a fine old time. I mean they live it UP for a night if ya know what I mean. Anyway, the next day they all meet in the breakroom at work. 2 of the guys look like Death warmed over, but the 3rd guy looks well rested and ready to take on the world.

"What is wrong with you 2?" the guy asks his buddies.

"Well," says friend number one. "When I got home last night, I quietly crept into the house, took off my socks and shoes in the living room, snuck upstairs and into the bedroom HOPING my wife wouldn't wake up. Not only did she wake up, we argue ALL night long. I didn't get a wink of sleep at all."

"Almost the same thing happened to me." Said friend number 2. "Only I went a step further. I turned off the car and let it coast with the lights off the last quarter mile to the house. Then I went in the back door, got my briefcase out from behind the washing machine and then tip-toed to the bedroom. I figured that I would tell my wife that I was working late on some report and just lost track of time, but she didn't fall for it. We fought all night long as well."

The 3rd guy looks at them and smiles. "You 2 are such noobs."

"Ok then smart ass." They say to him. "What did you do when YOU got home?"

"Well," he says. "The first thing I did was drive into the driveway with the lights on high beam and the radio blaring as loud as it would go. Then I stomped into the kitchen and made myself a sandwhich and used the blender to make myself a margareta. Then clomped my way upstairs to the bed room singing my heart out. When I got to the bed room, I stripped down, got into bed, and smacked my wife on the ass and asked 'Who's horny?!?'"

His 2 friends just look at him like they couldn't believe it.

"What did she do?" They ask.

"Nothing. She pretended that SHE was asleep!"

[Grondavor]

Lol

[FTP]

For all you people that have bad days and need a way to make them better

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an not a very nice person!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'not a very nice person' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an not a very nice person!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'not a very nice person' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an not a very nice person!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first not a very nice person (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW not a very nice person, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don,you're an not a very nice person!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called not a very nice person #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an not a very nice person!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "not a very nice person, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, not a very nice person," and hung up.

Then I called not a very nice person #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, not a very nice person"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, not a very nice person, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

[FTP]

At Senior Citizens they had a quiz the other day. I lost by one point.
The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the
correct answer was Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

____________________________________________________________________

Tommy Cooper died on stage doing what he did best!

Steve Irwin died in the ocean doing what he did best!

Aerton Senna died on the track doing what he did best!

 Dont have a wank tonight mannaman15,i`m worried about you mate! 

[Comatose]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."


A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"


Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."


Good enough?

[FTP]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
______________________________________________________________________________

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
___________________________________________________________________

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
________________________________________________________________________

A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman,about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy underwear."
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going to get screwed."

[FTP]

An East Texas Department of Highway Patrol pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a .357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

"Not a f**k**g thing!"

[Borg!]

two men are drinking at a rooftop bar.
one man says to the other
"hey did you know if you jump out that window the current is so strong that it will take you right back up to the window"
the man replies
"there's no way in hell"
the first man replies
"watch I'll do it myself if you don't believe it"
so he jumps out the window, and low and behold he flys right back up to the window, and into the bar
"holy crap that's insane!"
"your drinks will be on me if you do it" he says
"I don't know I'd have to see it again. it could just be a fluke it works the first time"
so the first man jumps out the window again, and just like the first time he flys right back up to the top.
"OK. I think I got this." says the guy
So the 2nd guy jumps out the window.... SPLAT he hits the ground, and is just a mess.
The bartender then turns to the first man and tells him
"you can be quite the jerk when you're drunk superman"

[FTP]

I posted that joke 2 posts before you lol




A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.""No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."

It worked! The headaches are all gone."The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning.Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."With that, he goes back in the bathroom.This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror

and saying,

She's not my wife.She's not my wife.She's not my wife...."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

===

In a survey, taken recently in Liverpool, 85% of male Everton supporters said they liked sex in the shower.
.
.
.
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.
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.
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The other 15% said they had never been to prison.

===

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him doing a sexy striptease in front of his farm machinery, Mick says "what da divil are ya doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "well me and the wife haven't been getting on lately and me therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor"

[FTP]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?"
Woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out the food.
The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know, I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it"

===

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T



I used to like Eric, the little bastard .

[FTP]

I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She didn't look bad for 57 so we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Hey Mom, you still awake?"