Jokes

I lick and i suck i really want more,
I spit and i swallow that's what they're for,
The white frothy stuff that drips from my lip,
Addicted, i take every single sip,
It tastes so good i don't want to let go,
Screaming yes and screaming OH,
It's so sweet, like a dream,
mm yes, how i love my ice cream!

hahahaha
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If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas, Mexican Status

If your tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, yes you're a mexican

If you ever hurt yourself and your mama rubbed the area while chanting, " Sana Sana Colita de rana.." Your mexican. BIG TIME!!

If you have your last name in old english lettering anywhere on your car or truck or tattooed on your back. Yes, you are a Mexican (proud one too)

If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifey, or your vieja.. guess what? your Mexican

If you throw a "grito" everytime you hear Vicente Fernandez. Then not only are you Mexican your a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and have been told "pobrecito de ti si lloras" or " Vas a ver orita que salgamos." Yes, you're definatly a mexican.

If you grew up scared of someone called the llorona and fear the dark because of El Cucuy. Yes!! Mexican!!

Si te percinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing.
you're in the Mexican zone.

If you ask for something by " dame esa chingadera" instead of calling it by its name. Yup. Mexican.

If you constantly refer to cereal as " con fleys" or cake as " kay ke" you're mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger... you might be mexican.

If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dress to go to a birthday party at "el Parque" you are mexican.

If your tias and abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels and all go to the pulga. Then yes you are a mexican.

If most of your houses on your block are bright pink, mint green, and purple...mexican

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top of an old car to dry laundry. Yes, you are a mexican.

If your congested and your mama rubbed " vicks" into your nostrils to help relieve your sypmtoms, you're mexican.

If you don't need any
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It were the night before Christmas,
And all around the shack,
The whole family was preparing
For another attack.

This time everyone was ready,
For those midnight raiders,
Who trespass at this time of year,
Like Christmas invaders!

But these guys are dumber than dirt,
‘Cause each time they break in,
They just leave presents for our kids!!
And they never steal nothin’!

What in the heck is that about???
Those gifts make me feel stuck!
It really wouldn’t be so bad
If my presents didn’t suck!

“Why can’t you be like Santi Claus?”
That’s all I ever hear!
This time he ain’t a-gonna win!
His butt is mine this year!!!

I set Granny up on the roof,
And Ma’s behind the tree!
Cousin Earl is stuck in the chimney!
I got the cookies with me!

Uncle Elmer’s in the closet,
Loadin’ some Christmas cheer!
Tonight we’re a-goin’ huntin’,
Gonna bag me a reindeer!

That’s when I heard those dang sleigh bells,
There he was, up in the sky!
I thought I had him in my sights,
Till something dropped in my eye!

It was a big old reindeer turd!
Caught me right upside the head!
Granny got hit by a whopper!
We all thought she was dead!

There was reindeer turds everywhere!
Poor Ma got pinned to the tree!
They unstuck Earl from the chimney,
With WD-40.

Ol’ Elmer didn’t hear a thing,
He was feelin’ kinda ill.
We all knew he was fond of shine,
An’ that’s where we kept the still.

That Santi Claus did it again!
Now we’s all covered in turds!
I can’t say how that makes me feel,
‘Cause they really ain’t no words!

My kids, they ain’t no help at all!
They’s Santi sympathizers!
A-laughin’ at our years supply
Of reindeer fertilizer!

Next year I’m gonna be ready!
I’ll have something up my sleeve!
Santi Claus has done riled me up,
Now it’s his turn to receive!

I’s gon’ buy me an umbrella,
An’ all the blowers I can!
Let’s see who’s laughin’ the next time,
When the reindeer turds hit the fan!!

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I thought I’d finally hit the jackpot,
That my bad luck was going to change.
When I found that old slimy bottle,
It was “where” that I thought was strange.

It just came floatin’ down the sewer,
Where I was hiding from the cops.
I thought it might be valuable,
Like things you’d find in antique shops.

So I reached over and fished it out,
It stunk so bad I thought I’d choke.
So I wiped off all that nasty crud,
That’s when the thing started to smoke!

Out came a genie covered in sludge,
And she was not happy at all.
I did what I could to clean her up,
And then she just started to bawl!

She told me her whole dang life story,
And she was three thousand years old!!
Can you imagine how long that took?!
And all I wanted was the gold!

I told her we should get to wishing,
She wasn’t too happy ‘bout that.
She said I was just like all the rest,
But I wasn’t there just to chat!

I said I know just what to wish for,
And don’t you try nothin’ funny.
I want to be surrounded with gold,
Come on and show me the money!

She smiled and then she gave me a nod,
Told me my wish was her command.
She said I still had two more wishes,
And should tell her what I demand.

I would like to live in a big house,
My second wish came out just right.
And for my third, I wished for nookie,
Every day and all through the night.

She folded her arms and blinked her eyes,
And we wound up in some big vault.
I saw stacks of gold bars everywhere,
Then I heard somebody yell halt!

I went to jail for robbing Fort Knox.
They sentenced me to five to life!
She even testified against me!
Said she was my crud covered wife!

She said your wishes have been granted.
Told me I got what I asked for.
I told her I never wished for this!
I’m worse of than I was before!

I wished to be surrounded by gold!
“You didn’t say your gold” said she.
“I gave you exactly what you asked.”
Why does this stuff happen to me!!

Then I asked about my second wish,
That big house where I was to dwell.
She said that’s where they’ll be sending you,
The Big House, your own man made hell.

I said, now you just wait one minute!!
My third wish won’t have any hope!
She assured me that it would come true,
The first time that I dropped the soap!!

So if you ever find a genie,
In a bottle covered in slime,
You’d best listen to her life story,
And friend, it’s gonna take some time.

If you don’t listen to my advice,
There’s one thing I can guarantee,
You’ll get exactly what you wish for,
And you could wind up just like me!

A boy toy for a guy named Bruno,
Who’s as big and strong as a bear,
Thankfully he’s built like a lobster,
You would hardly know that he’s there.

But it’s the principal of the thing,
This was not the plan that I made!!
So if you do open that bottle,
Be afraid, be very afraid.

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You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You have cut your three foot long grass with your light saber.
4. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
5. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist off bottle of beer.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
7. There is a blaster rack in the back of your land speeder.
8. You have been hunting with your military issued blaster rifle.
9. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. You have ever used to force to trick your cousin into going on a date with you.
13. You have ever used to force to trick your cousin into marrying you.
14. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
15. You have used old French fry oil as fuel for your land speeder/X-Wing.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/hunting.
19. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R2 unit use its self defense electro-shock thingy to light a barbeque.
22. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
23. You think that the Storm trooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
24. You have lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
25. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..Hmmm?''
26. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
27. You have house-broken a Wookie as a pet.
28. At the dinner table you let your 13 year old daughter use death pills in front of her daughter.
29. You think Master Windu received a purple light saber because the council is racist.
30. You have pictured yourself doing any of these things.
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I felt just like a Wookie at
A Star Trek convention!
Or a bit like Flipper on a
Desert expedition!

I hadn't been to church in years,
Not since I was a boy.
Though I grew up with Father Tim,
And his kid brother Coy.

I once put a water tight seal
In Tim's Chevy truck bed.
Then I filled it up with water,
And threw in some steel head.

Ol' Tim didn't even notice
The water, or the trout,
When he got into that Chevy,
And peeled the sucker out.

When he stopped at a traffic light
At Main Street and McNab,
A fish jumped through his back window,
And landed in the cab.

The good Father was so startled,
And overcome with fear,
That he screamed and jumped from the truck
While it was still in gear!

It started rolling down main street
And Tim was getting sick.
That fish didn't have a license,
And couldn't drive a stick!

It slammed into a Peterbuilt
A block shy of town square,
The loss of life was staggering,
There was trout everywhere!

The town's folk gathered up those fish,
And then prepared a feast.
'Cause Tim decided, then and there,
To go become a priest.

And here we are ten years later,
Its time that I confessed,
To all the pranks I played on him,
For which I must be blessed.

Since he became a full fledged priest,
He should live and let live
The times he caught me with his mom,
He will have to forgive.

Are priests supposed to curse like that???
What a mouth on that guy!!
And when I turned the other cheek,
He punched me in the eye!

Confession is good for the soul,
At least that's what I hear.
But it's sure hard on the body,
And that part wasn't clear.

Would Jesus do something like that???
'Cause I don't think he would!!
He'd look past all the bad in me,
And focus on the good!

There has to be some good in there!
Just look past all that sin!
What do you mean you don't see it???
Well dang it, LOOK AGAIN!!!

I am as good as I can be!!
Just like any other.
And Tim, if you don't believe that,
Go and ask your mother!!

Then I felt that collection plate
Ricochet off my head,
And I knew if I didn't leave,
I just might wind up dead.

But that experience taught me
To use more discretion,
When I tell him 'bout his sister,
At my next confession.

_________________------------------------------------------------------------
Trading out my Converse for some fancy work boots
Puttin' up my skateboard for a brown and white Paint horse
Leavin' all the punks and preps for a whole new trend set
Workin' all day, playin' all night; livin' a whole new world
Tryin' somethin' new out, bein' a redneck girl

Tackin' up early in the morning and riding through the sun
Not letting any weather affect what I wanna do for fun
It's time to spread the word, spread this new found love
Life's better now than I'd ever dreamt of
Can't let this go and relive what I used to find comfort in
I'll lose this happiness that I'm finally understanding is not a sin

I always said I'd love to restart but never quite knew how
But as I look out over a five acre pasture I do know now
I've let my wings stretch out for years, now I'm finally ready to fly
Lift up off the ground, zip into the air and against the clouds I'll lie
I'll find out where I'm supposed to go and who I'm supposed to be
And live life fulfilling what I do believe is my destiny

I think that my dreams have four legs and are staring me in the face
Beautiful, hardheaded, creatures that are holding something I feel I must chase
I've changed my life style to fit around my new environment with hopes that all my past will understand
And also I hope they'll be happy with me just the way I am
Surrounded by a country life and a smile to show that it's okay
I'm standing tall and standing strong with this contentment everyday

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One day while huntin possum
just past the trailer park
i stumbled upon a neked girl
my mutt began to bark

she was the pertiest neked girl i ever did sawed
and in the midst of the neked girl,
my heart start thawed.

I gave her my hot, sweaty shirt
and escorted her to my vehicle.
i kissed her sweet lips
and set off to split a creamsicle.
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-------------------------------Susie Lee done fell in love; she planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy about it all she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal, you will have to find another.

I'd just as soon your Ma don't know, But Joe is your Half Brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe & planned to marry Will, but after telling Pappy this, He said, "There is trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal, & please don't tell your mother, but Will & Joe, & several more I know is your Half Brother.

But Mama knew & said, my child, just do what makes you happy.
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A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all d**n day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"
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Before you read this, it may offend you. And if it does we are sorry. We wrote it, because it's messed up how society is today.

Written by Melissa (half black), Annabelle (white), Mary (who grew up in Georgia) =o)

We hope you find the humor in it!

I came from Oklahoma,
I just woke up from a coma.
I went bull riding Thursday night,
Got knocked out and saw the light.

I smelt like bullshit the next day,
Took three showers and the smell wont go away.
My sister gave me some TLC for the pain,
But I F**ked up and yelled mommas name!

*Chorus*
Oh this is the shieza that rednecks do,
So listen up and you can too.
We go hunting for deers and bears,
And watch Nascar in our underwear's.

My daddy whose my uncle and my brother,
Had sex with both my auntie and my mother.
Yankees think it's weird but they don't see,
We like to keep it in the family.

Walking to the store thats down the street,
End up walking home with jiffy feet.
Fishing on the boat with nati light,
Catch a fish that ma will cook with grits tonight.

Oh...

*Chorus*
This is the shieza that rednecks do,
So listen up and you can too.
We go hunting for deers and bears,
And watch Nascar in our underwear's.

Stead fast in our Rebel Pride,
My Bub Ba Trucks my favorite ride.
Favorites spelled without a "U",
So F**k you Canadians and F**k you Jews.

Put your teeth down on my curb,
Give me your gun and your herb.
We shoot black people just for fun,
We're not racist we hate everyone!

Oh...

*Chorus*
This is the shieza that rednecks do,
So listen up and you can too.
We go hunting for deers and bears,
And watch Nascar in our underwear's.

So hold your beer can high up to the sky,
And thank your lord and savior that your white.
Tell the fags to stay away our they will die,
So, lets chug our beers and piss away the night!

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I burnt down the church where we were married.
It was an eyesore and needed to go.
I shot my best man Georgie in the foot,
He didn’t stop me; and he had to know!

He must have known about Pastor Wilson,
And all the male members of the church choir.
Hell, you were probably sleeping with him too!!!
I should have shot him a little bit higher!

Why that knuckle dragging son of a sow!!!!!!
I should drive by his house and run down his cat!!!!
It’s the night the lights go out on Georgie,
As soon as I locate my baseball bat!!!

Is there anyone you didn’t sleep with???
You even slept with old man McNevin!!!
It gives me the creeps to think about it!!
I mean, his wrinkled butt is ninety seven!!

I know you THINK you got the best of me!
And maybe I might sound a little bitter.
You used to say I acted like a child;
But YOU needed a d**n baby sitter!!!

The only reason you’re still in this house
Is I host the Super Bowl party this year!
All of my friends will be over for that,
And I need somebody to serve the beer!!

But I have already filed the papers!
Don’t try to change my mind; I will not budge!
By this time next week, we will be divorced!
Thank God my Daddy’s the mayor, and the judge!

No more leaving the d**n toilet seat down!
What in the hell was that about anyway??
I know you fell in the bowl a few times;
That kind of thing builds character, I say.

No more being told to clean up my mess,
Or get the transmission out of the bathtub!
I can let the chickens back in the house!
And I can stay out late at Bubba’s Pub!

No more d**n tampons in the wastebasket,
Or having sex only when you’re in the mood!
No more nagging about the clothes I wear,
Or cooking that tastes like Fear Factor food.

That blue thing is coming out of the toilet,
And the air freshener is going with YOU!
Don’t forget to take your Mister Coffee!
While you’re at it, you’d best take your mama too,

The Blue-tick is mine and he stays with me!
So do my cars, even though none of them run!
And if you try to mess with the chickens,
You’ll be looking down the barrel of my gun!

I think I’ll get that Bass Boat I wanted,
And I’ll be signing up with the N.R.A.
I’m going to get back into the bowling league!
And cousin Peaches wants to move in with me!

I knew I was wrong in marrying you,
I should have listened to Grandma Bramley!
But I have certainly learned my lesson!
From now on, I’ll keep it in the family!

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Dearly Beloved; and you too Earl,
We have all gathered here together,
In everyone's favorite bingo church,
To hitch these young-uns up forever!

Let me hear you all say yea-ya!
Luke here has finally gotten wise;
He dumped that city girl hussy,
And here we are; what a surprise.

Rumor has it, she slept around!
An adulterous woman was she!
She wasn't very good in bed,
At least that's what most men told me.

She wasn't without her talents though.
She once sucked an ice cube through a straw!
A skill only a city girl would have,
The men who witnessed it were in awe!

Forgive me if I seem distracted.
Let's get back to the affairs at hand.
Did I say affairs? My mistake.
I hope you all try to understand.

Luke, do you take your cousin Peaches
To be your lawfully wedded wife?
Do you promise to kiss her butt,
For the rest of your natural life?

Will you love, honor and respect her,
Even when she does nothing but nag?
Will you leave the toilet seat down
Now and until she's an old hag?

And Peaches, will you have sex with Luke
Even when you're not in the mood?
Get a Martha Stewart cookbook,
And try to fix this boy some real food?

Will you please learn that trick with the straw?
And you know my number if you do.
Now, let's get this thing over with,
So we can start that barbeque!

Georgie, catch that chicken with the rings!
Be careful on that foot, if you can.
You're lucky Luke only shot you there.
This way, you can still be his best man!

Okay boys, you'd best thingy your rifles!
This time, you better aim for the head!
Anyone out there have a reason
Why this couple should not be wed?

Anyone? Alright, put em down boys.
I know, it is a big bummer;
But you still might get to shoot someone
When the tourists arrive this summer!

So, by the authority of the church,
And the fact that I can smell that meat,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Now kiss your bride so we can eat!

End.

_________________

Marry Will or Marry Joe. You ain't no kin to Pappy.-
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