Dragoneer's Rant (Edited for Language)

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I hate to go there but I'm GOING to go there: instead of travelling the world in desperate attempt to bring Democracy to rival nations, can we, the United States, just come bearing deodorant?

My nostrils are at war with the Children of the Mongols, a people who generally carry the malefactorian scent of scuzz and man-gel strong enough to raise a week old goat from the dead. I'm pretty sure warring tribes will lay down their arms for a case of Right Guard. No doubt, AXE is all that's needed to bring a smile to the heart of the Middle East. China shall fall to the under the mighty imperical majesty of Old Spice.

Every time I go to a country like this I'm nearly assassinated on a daily basis by an armpit. Bombard me with 'pits and watch the magical transformation as I become the world's fattest ninja and backflip away to safety. I can not take it any longer. I am sick of being carpet bombed by unwashed moisture missiles loaded with FUNK (Fragrance of Unusually Negative Karma).

If you've ever smelled "con funk" you've only got a mere dose of odoriferous hurricane which makes up the aromatic bouquet of a deodorantless nation.

GOT B.O.? GET DEO!

CAUTION: Using TOO MUCH deodorant may have adverse results. It is prone to spawning prudes like Martha Stewart and Paris Hilton, Those Who Always Smell of a Daffodil's Butt.

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End Of Rant